speaking to me is kinda like speaking to a schitzo w/ multiple personalities...

 A fb conversation about God... and christians led me to think of this one time when i asked my mom in mass (we are catholic and according to my mother i was born catholic and i will die that way... no matter what!) if I was gonna have to "eat some jesus" to which she responded "i don't like how you put that but yes.." then I informed her she was forcing me to participate in cannibalism to which she began to get really mad... and then i realized that this is the logic that rules my life... and therefor makes me terribly unbearable to be around for the majority of the population. From what I am told it also makes my life worth blogging. I also learned today that beauty is pain and if that is the case then I would like to be ugly...no really like I got hit in the face with a hammer ugly... cause I would rather be unattractive than in pain. My boss got new shoes... unbearably tall hard to walk in high heeled shoes... and then wore 30 band aids on her toes to "break in the new shoes" cause beauty is pain... I wear gray knit potatoes... or shoes that look like gray knit hollowed out potatoes. They are flat and in most opinions not cute but they are SO comfortable I also wear chucks... zombie chucks to be exact. They are also comfortable and easy to wear as they have no laces and instead have elastic bands that hold them on like laces but without all the loosening and tying... which i am a fan of short cuts and lazy things that make my life one less step... one less step ... consolidation of ones life if you will... this is my journey this year... to take one less step... to make things easier so that I have more time for the things I actually enjoy doing like crochet and roller derby.  Today I cut my hair off... on an impulse that hit me last night... I love it... why did the impulse hit me you ask? I took of my derby helmet and had to fix my sweaty hair... I don't want to have to fix my hair... so I chopped it off... and I love it. You should try chopping of something that is dead weight... whether that be a boy/girlfriend (not a boy girlfriend or a girl boyfriend unless you actually have one and then you should hang on to them cause its the best of both worlds) or your hair, 20 lbs or just some bad wardrobe choices from 1992... let it go... none of this stuff is worth freaking out over... so spring clean your life... its what i am doing and forcing timothy to do... cleanse everything and make room for new crap... :) but don't eat it or i won't eat you when the apocalypse happens and I NEED TO EAT YOU not in the good way ... that is if the apocalypse happens and i run out of food... so please take care of yourself so further my survival...

moral of this story: i am a selfish person who will eat you when the chips are down ... and not in a good way...also i type how i talk ... and skip topic cause i am A.D.D. as hell... :)

Noseburgers and what they can do for you

Panic... I recently did so not that I am not notorious for panic so this is nothing new but possibly this time I had a legit reason to panic. I blew a chunk of what I am pretty convinced was either brain or hamburger meat out of my nose. So like a normal person I put it in a ziploc and then into the freezer (the dead animal freezer which there will be a post about in the future... who knew it was frowned upon to keep frozen dead things in with food?) Anyway so the nose burger... it was a LARGE chunk... so i then became concerned... so when Timothy got home i calmly explained to him that i blew a chunk of brain out and I wanted him to take a look at it... to which he replied something like "I would rather not" so then I went and got it and he was like " I don't know what that is" and i was all like ME EITHER OMG! So the general consensus was if it happened again it was probably something not ok... and so it did... but this time it almost killed me in the salvation army while with my friend ... I snuffed my nose and it became lodged in my throat causing me to cough like I have TB and was dying... to which she responded "you ok?" and as I was dying I was like yes I am fine... between half choking, eyes watering face getting red... If you are coughing you are breathing so I survived... so I went to the Dr where he laughed at the fact that i had frozen the thing and taken it with me to my visit and then he told me to go refreeze it and take it to the ear, nose and throat dr who did not have any interest in seeing it whatsoever... and when I got home and still had it in my purse I couldn't bring myself to throw it away. It could be part of my brain... we don't know. It could be a tumor... we will find that out tomorrow... I have a ct scan to find out if I have nasal polyps... apparently when you are allergic to everything that lives and you keep a zoo in your house you can get these things called nasal polyps which can make tiny hamburgers in your nose that try to kill you... its like attack of the killer tomatoes but totally different... so tomorrow I go get this scan... and then they tell me I have a brain tumor and I have like 3 minutes to live so I get to the parking lot and while I am attempting to find something I want to listen to on my I pod BAM dead done finito! This is what I am afraid of... stupid irrational fear... and every time i say the word tumor in my head i hear arnold say ... it's not a tumor... which means i am totally batshit...

so to wrap this all up... nasal polyps dig ground beef and you no longer do... you're welcome :)

if it is a public forum don't take it so dang personal

No seriously... if you post some crap on fb about how you love this hair color and i think it is gonna look like crap on you and tell you so... don't get all huffy... its my opinion... if you didn't want it then don't be my freaking fb friend... if you want to do it anyway then go for it... and if i think it looks stupid i will in fact tell you hey... blond is not your color you look dead... this phenomenon irritates me to no end.. i have certain beliefs about how people.. specifically women should look... your ideal might not be my ideal but who gives a crap anyway... no really... do what you want and be like HA i LOVE IT... don't let my comment get to you... don't let ANYONE get to you... be more secure than that in yourself... specifically you ladies... just love who you are and strive to look like what YOU want to look like not what you see on tv or in a magazine... unless you truly want to look like that and it is an attainable goal... i want to look like angelina jolie from hackers but lets face it that isn't gonna happen... i will continue to look like a cross between the cartoon daria and a morbidly obese midget for the rest of eternity... its cool i accept that... i accept that i will never be exceptionally hot... why can't all women accept that the majority of us will never look like who we think is exceptionally hot... why can't we think women who are built like Adele are super exceptionally hot? no really who said we have to have 6 pack abs or our thighs can't touch when we walk... i mean yeah i would love to get rid of the chub rub but who am i kidding i have had 2 kids and am lazy so chub rub it is... i have recently lost 19 lbs... and i am pretty cool with that... i am not out of morbidly obese and back into plain obese... but really who cares... am i gonna live longer if i get down to 120 and a size 5... probably not.. i will probably die from cancer well before the fat ever gets a good grip on things... so i occasionally eat mc donalds... yeah so what... and i have cut out soda for the most part cause well it is toxic sludge... albeit tasty toxic sludge still sludge none the less... and i have noticed a change for the better in some things since quitting the soda habit... so yeah... change and health and all that can be good but lets face it ladies... if you put out men don't really care what you look like... just watch jersey shore and my theory is confirmed... and well ladies i only judge women in 2 ways... is she bigger than i am or is she one of those skinny bitches... i am happily a large medium (not a fat psychic btw though kinda... i mean it is sort of fitting... anyway) i would like to get rid of my stomach and have it be flat and if i could hack these boobs off i totally would... too much up keep... and bras who the hell thought that was a good idea?! i digress ... the point i am making is don't give a crap what anyone thinks/posts on facebook and love yourself... strive to be what you want to be not what society tells you that you should be... and when you walk make up songs and incorporate "chub rub" into them

gonna just start blogging cause i think it could be ok...

So today was relatively uneventful if you discount the 100000000 people that felt the need to call for a "quota" a "quotification of the quantitavation quotation" seriously? Everytime I get a person who says "I want a quota" I am screaming in my head 7, 39, 42! I am amazed at the sheer ignorance of people. AMAZED! My favorite was from a woman named Viola... she called me for a quote (not a quota thank god) and so I had to ask several questions to accurately quote her. I started with "OK mam what is your name?" To which I get the response "Viola"... and there was about 30 seconds of silence which doesn't seem that long on here but count out 30 seconds of silence and see how awkward that gets... anyway so i then ask "What is your last name?" to which i hear "why do you need that?" and in my head i am thinking "look lady this isn't quid pro quo we are not playing 20 questions... " so i inform her that i need it to do her quote... so she tells me her name (those of you who know me personally know who she is and how she sounds in my best viola impersonation but for those of you who don't imagine the stereotypical NY 40 year 5 pack a day jewish smoker and you have what is the voice of viola and hopefully she looks just right to fit the bill) moving on... so the next question is what is your date of birth... now call me crazy but I don't personally find that questions terribly intrusive apparently viola does so i get the why do you need that questions to which i answer to give you a quote (i realize i am more lazy with punctuation at this point quit whining and deal punctuation and capitalization just slow this party bus down my friend) now this is where she lets me in on the common misconception a lot of people have about insurance agents... we do NOT have a list of vehicles (all in the world) and how much it takes to insure them... w/ all coverages... and rate changes.... if we did then why would you need us? why not just download that list and be done with it... or google it... anyway so the next questions is do you currently have insurance to which i get... no why... cause if you do then you get a discount... well can you just tell me the rate... no i can't you old bat i can't give you the freaking rate cause you haven't answered all the questions! so i ask her about her driving history and everything i ask her i get why do you need that? so then i get to the make or break question... this one makes lots of people hesitate... what is your social security number... k here is where i will let you in on a trade secret... i could give a crap what your social is... in this economy you have the same crap credit i do otherwise you wouldn't be calling me for a freaking quota... so this is what i like to call the mexican stand off moment when ms viola informed me that i wasn't getting her damn social and she doesn't like me asking all those questions and then she hung up on me... HUNG UP who does that? (nazis that's who thanks for that line Culver) so i deal with 100 violas a day but not with the osm (sound it out) voice she has... if everyone sounded like viola my life would be much happier...

on a side note i have nose polyps... wtf... that is ridiculous... what is more ridiculous is that the whole reason i found out i have them is i blew what i immediately thought was brain out of my nose... later i realized it looked more like hamburger meat and there after referred to it as the nose burger which i then froze in the dead animal freezer and took with me to the dr appointment... and the dr didn't know what it was so i took it to the other dr and he said he didn't want to see it that he saw the polyp in my nose and now i have to let them scan my cat... which is freaking me out cause i didn't think it was gonna be a thing other than some meds and done... so now surgery... ON MY FACE ... face surgery was not on my bucket list... so i am bummed about that... on an up note i have started randomly blogging... and will work on punctuation and capitalization one day or maybe just do it all in caps and dot dot dot like i have been for years... don't judge me so this is the kick off to my blog...

in conclusion viola and noseburgers... carry on